'lost child'

I don't know exactly how it happened but it did. Somewhere across the vast plains of time, they forgot that they were a part of something bigger. They forgot that they were, in fact, something else completely.

You see, human beings forgot that they were literally a part of an incredible Organism. Earth. Everything had its place and role in perfect flow. In some ways humans were the brain cells of this incredible body, given extraordinary powers of deduction and ability; they were tasked with taking the planet forward. But they took only humanity forward and even in that they did not. The first thing they did was to remove themselves from being a part of the planet and instead fought for control of it. They sought to own and control everything, even their own brothers and sisters and in doing so they drew far, far away from their mother.

And in that time she hurt.

Their planet recoiled as they continued to plunder her. They made slaves of many of their relatives the animals, birds and fish. They became cannibals, eating their own: not other humans but the other animals, birds and fish.
They poured chemicals into their water sources. Would you pour waste into your yard? Yet somehow they did. They designed a new world with human beings on the throne. And to think they were simply just one cellular variation that was part of the organism they called Home.

So eventually, when she had been hurt so badly by them that even her love for them was in doubt, she decided to act. She decided they needed to learn that they were only one little part of this wonderful planet; and make no mistake, the planet's single job is to flourish. In her actions though, she acted from love. And so she released a virus onto them. One that was spread by touch. And so it went… and their world suddenly changed. She locked them away. Quarantine.

It didn’t take long for the planet to heal. It was miraculous in fact. It didn’t take a long for them to see that the earth wanted her space back. She needed time to heal; time, whilst they would be limited in their daily destruction wrapped in civilisation. In fact, to be fair, all she wanted was her fair share. And even in that she still wanted to share. It wasn’t hers. She didn’t pretend it was. It wasn’t theirs alone. She wanted to remind them the planet was ‘them’. They were part of one Being.

The people didn’t know that they were part of the Earth. They didn’t realise that they were one Organism.

Well their home, their body is sending them a message. She will remove them if they don’t remember. They are only a part of the amazing organism. Gaia, Mother Earth, Home, their real body.

Many of them can’t wait for life to return to how it was. To some semblance of normality.
I pray that more of them are wondering, where to from here? This is a great time of cleansing and rebuilding. I would hope each of them is reimagining their role in the world and the way the world works. I hope they don’t solve this crisis too easily without reproach and go straight back to business as usual.

Mother Earth is hoping for the same…

I have been in New york for almost four weeks now and its been one of the biggest learning curves of my life.  Strong words I know, but this place has a penchant for fostering Big talk.  Big action.  Big Apple…

Arriving in NYC was as imagined, a dream come true.  I sat in a yellow cab, coming over the Brooklyn Bridge slowly watching the city approach.  As it grew on either side of the endless horizon Manhattan seemed to me to stand like I imagine ancient Rome did, the gleaming capital of the empire.  There is nothing on earth that is like it insofar as the scale and reach of this concrete jungle. 

Now while America is for Americans, New York City, belongs to the world.  8.5 million people live in and around New York and all go about their business-as-usual darting around like special little ants in one helluva special ant hill.  In a given year, there are 35 million visitors to New York from every corner of the planet.  It reminds me a lot of Johannesburg with regards to its diversity but this is on a far greater scale; with every shape, colour, size, ethnicity, mix, mould and proclivity.  If they live on earth, some of em live in New York.  And there is probably an area somewhere in all the madness that is New York and its boroughs that is their cultural hub.

The city is insanely efficient.  The non stop service, Subway transit system and the 24 metro bus system both work hand in hand to get you anywhere you want at anytime you need to get there.  Yes its true that at 3am while drunkenly waiting for your train you may have to wait longer than normal but trust me the train will come.  But if like me, you couldn't be arsed to stand out in the cold a second longer, you can easily take a fairly inexpensive yellow cab home.  Thats the thing, everything is monitored and getting scammed isn't de rigueur.  It is a rather nice change for me that the system is made to service the citizen.  And the citizen is protected within that system.  Which leads me to NY's safety.  While i havent ventured into too dodgy an area late at night, I feel completely and totally safe everywhere I go.  I have been told by locals that New York is probably safer than it has ever been at the moment what with armed cops in the subways and on trains and patrolling etc.  Mind you they are all trying to sniff out the next possible terrorist attack but the lucky off shoot is that petty crime etc is down to almost nothing.

The city accommodates almost any budget.  And though on the whole it is a very expensive place compared to my home Johannesburg, it is also at times alarmingly cheap in certain areas and with regards to certain things.  Take a subway to the Bronx and the same bottled water that costs a dollar in my area goes down to 25p.  It’s simply a matter of knowing where to go.  And the list of places to go is innumerable.  Chinatown, Little Italy, Jackson Heights the Indian area, Brighton beach the Russian quarter, Soho and midtown, where all the cool kids work and play.  The list of things to do is unending; the art scene with its incredible museums and galleries.  For example, my first visit to a gallery, MOMA, the museum of Modern art yielded a first hand up close view of Vincent Van Gogh’s ‘Starry night’, a host of Picasso and Monet paintings, two of Frida Kahlo’s beautiful nightmares and even a Matisse.  The nightlife is so vast and that one could live here for years and years and perhaps only visit a small percentage of establishments.  Whatever you listen to, whatever your lean, you’ll find it.  The same can be said for almost anything else – food, cinema, music, sports, socialising, etc.

But options like these do have a downside,  I wonder how many people have a local, a place where most people know their names?  I guess as with everything,  it’s all a little give and take.  But I don't see too many people complaining about all the choice so...

  

I live in the Upper West Side which is a rather posh area with lots of wealthy families and lovely apartment buildings.  HOWEVER, the residence I live in, the Amsterdam residence, is something else entirely  :)

Since arriving, my friend Leila and i have renamed it, “The house of no fun”, what with its one million rules and surly unfriendly inhabitants.   I had hoped for a group of party fiends and friendly internationals but this place seems to foster a lack of conversation and an altogether unapproachable demeanour in its residents.  No matter though, I am lucky enough to have two of my fellow classmates from the New York Film Academy suffering along with me in this prison boat.  We have started trying to spread some cheer but as yet to no avail.  Perhaps we need to try harder.  But at least in our temporary at-home misery, we have company. 

My room, mind you, though rather 'first year' in dimension is still a little fortress of solitude and sanity, a place away from the hustle and bustle of this crazy incredible city.  I never experienced the university residence thing, having always studied and worked in the same city as my family.  This ripe old age is as good a time as any to embrace college life I guess.

In terms of studying, I have been so happy with my choice of course.  Though at times daunting and challenging, its a wonderful introduction to what true actor training is; to the craft.  And a craft it is, one that has to be honed and sharpened and made honest and real.

Lectures are almost completely practical and they tend to involve long days learning lines from scenes and monologues and practicing techniques aimed at understanding one’s inner life and accessing emotion in a very real and moment to moment manner.   I do however realise that this tiny introductory course is just that and to take this further would involve a much more intensive long program to truly delve into the depths of creating interesting characters and making them live again and again, night after night, take after take.  I am understandably intrigued by the possibilities the future holds insofar as my choices for the next few years go.

I am also very lucky to have an amazing group of fellow classmates, many of which I will carry with me far beyond this short 8 week stint.  Friends.  Though many of them are rather much younger than me, we have in a short period of time bonded closely which has definitely made the journey away from home and my roots far more bearable.  Most of us come from places far and wide so I think we understand how lonely this place of 9 million people can sometimes be.  And our shared aspirations definitely help with understanding one another.

Sadly the weather has gripped tightly onto Winter and Spring is yet to make its appearance.  But at least April showers have begun which will welcome some green back into the world here.   I arrived with a bag full of tshirts.  And were it not for my aunt Corrie loading me up with jackets when I first arrived, i may have been a popsicle by now.  I was also completely moved and so grateful for a huge box that arrived from one Leigh Farrell.  A very long time ago we were in grade school together.  She has been in the US for many years and upon hearing about my trip she contacted me and stayed in contact checking  in on me all the time and being so sweet and kind knowing the feeling of arriving in the United States alone.    My treat box was filled with wonderful things like Maritzburg masala, snacks, cutlery, candy, chips etc etc.  It really is amazing how childhood friends who lost contact so long ago, could reignite a friendship in a new land and just kinda pick up where we left of.


So here I sit at my halfway point, with so much inside me already changed by the beautiful monster that is New York.   At its best New York is energy and life and the speed of light, you can do anything, be anyone, make it as far and as high as you dream, all night fun, too much fun, a place you wanna absorb, the city that never sleeps!

At its worst its a pushy, unfriendly, unapproachable, too little time, get out the way, too many people, too many places, no real heart, lonely monstrosity.  But that is its beauty, the knife edge on which heaven and hell exist.  The high and the low.  The infinite high and the desolate low.  And thats why everyone keeps coming back.  Cos in the words of Old Blue Eyes, if you can make it here, you can make it anywhere...

Getting there...

Leaving Dubai had a sense of purpose to it.  I had done what I needed to do while there.  I looked at different options of working there after New York.  I also touched base with people who might be able to take my band MadLove into the fray to play some gigs there as well.   The Princess met me and once again unknowingly and unwittingly we renewed our vows.  Well in our own way.  We then decided in the face of all the love, to leave each other be so we might survive the difficulty of our long distance love.

That lasted exactly 1 plane flight… But more about that another day.

My plane ride to the US of A was the furthest thing from a ride.  It was a practice in self-mutilation and contortion endured over 14 hours which were sneakily pretend-compressed into 5 hours.  Let me explain.  I left Dubai at 2.30am and arrived in New York 7.30am but through the wonders of time travel, or our version thereof, I had 9 hours added to my life and sadly the worst flight in recorded history.  I think every indian person in the arab gulf region was on the flight to New York as well.  This is well and good because I am in fact indian.  But thats a lie really.  You see I am a South African who only 'happens' to come from indian descent.  Now real India indians view people like me, ie people who only speak english and have never visited India, with a sense of dismay, shock and horror.  I kind of like it that way but hey, it made for an interesting flight as every so often a member of the family seated around me would pop a new head out and say, "really, you are indian? and shake their heads disapprovingly.

The huge snoring man nearby who indiscriminately cut the cheese through the night added to the joy of the flight.  But eventually my 13 hour night came to an non too early end.

Arriving in New York was like a dream sequence.  Through the arched windows the city slowly appeared as we began our descent.  The gold of sunrise flooded the plane and I stared transfixed as outlying areas gave way to views of Magnificent Manhattan, this most beautiful terrifying monster sprawled out in every direction.  I was overwhelmed at first literally unable to move, transfixed.  But as quickly as it started, a deep sense of steadiness slowly grew roots in my heart and chest.  I was going to be ok.  I was going to be just fine.  I felt as though every dream I had ever fostered and cared about and grown, all of them, were on the plane with me.  Each of them ready in some way or form.   And as the smallest glazing of a tear welled in my eyes, I thought, hey, come what may, you did it.  Win or lose, if I returned home with ‘just’ the experience of living in the greatest city on earth, or if I truly absorbed my course and excelled, I made it to NY.  And yes i did so with so much help but now here I was,  trying to  stand alone. And in that golden freeze frame I was damn proud of myself.

This wonderful feeling however, passed quicker than it came.  The immigration queue will do that to you.  1000 people looking nervous as all hell trying to safely get into the land of dreams, kind of carries its own weight.  After 2 hours of my own stressing in the queue, running through nightmares of what the immigration officer might ask me, I was simply stamped through, and by an exceptionally friendly chap to boot!

After baggage collection etc, I caught my connecting flight and was off to Pittsburgh.  So much for New York J

My aunt Corrie collected me and it was wonderful to see her again.  Ahead of me lay a week of chilling and getting spoilt rotten by both Corrie and my uncle Jas.  Their beautiful home is deep in the rolling woods of Sewickley, 30 minutes from the city of Pittsburgh. It was cold; like really cold, not Johannesburg-gets-cold-in-winter cold.  2 to 3 inches of snow had fallen in the days prior and as far as one could see a full white blanket of snow covered everything. 

Once I was settled in at their home I got to meet my aunt’s mirror zoo to my Johannesburg menagerie of Falcor, my german Shepard and our 3 cats Meowgi, Sushi and Bella.  The Sandhu pet collection consists of a german Shepard, Zoom, and 3 cats Spooky, Balana and Wasabi.  With my own room and cats and dogs guarding my door I felt like I was right back at home at Barry Hertzog Avenue in Jozi.

But then the jet lag hit…  and hit and hit again.  I think I slept more over those few days than I did for the last few years.  But it was just the revitalizing time I needed before going toe to toe with the Big Apple.  On Saturday night my cousin Jehan and his girlfriend Kate and I watched Lady Gaga at the Consol Energy Arena with about 36 000 other very gaga fans.  I didn’t expect it but the woman is one hell of a performer and sings note-perfectly while doing her ten million intricate dance moves.  I was well impressed to say the least.  And I think I was also taken in by her championing the cause of misfits and freaks everywhere; be who and what you are no matter what. Odd as it sounds I counted myself one of her army of little monsters.  Now don’t go buy me a Lady gaga tshirt for Christmas but u get my point.

From Sunday till Wednesday I spent time with Jehan who’s studying in Columbus at Ohio State University.  I spent some time walking around Comubus near the main campus and then traipsed into the city and even did a Harold and Kumar and found "White Castle".  I thought that place was fictional man!

I also had some time to I table my first lot of thoughts on America and its people. 

To start with and most frustratingly, America is cheap as chips. Clothing, food, cars, telecoms, everything is cheaper than I’m used to.  And that’s often even with the dollar being 7 times the rand’s value.  To put this in perspective, a 40 inch LED tv which costs around 20 000 rand costs only 690 dollars which is roughly 5000 rand!  My phone contract here is 2 dollars a day for unlimited calls and sms within the United States, "IF" I use my phone. And the clothing sales here will have you buying the most recent past seasons garments like a hoodie jacket for 10 dollars.  Try spending R70 on a jacket in South Africa. 

I think the 3^rd world exists so that Americans can pay next to nothing by our standards for pretty much everything.  Its sad but true.  But good for them I guess.  

I got the feeling it’s true what they say about the paranoia here.  Every news show or advert is telling you about the next threat to your life with amazingly over the top danger music to boot.  From germs on ur taps to a pharmaceutical ad every few minutes, this place even sells you the weather report.  And nothing sells better than fear and self loathing.  And in truth Americans have so much less to be worried about than most places in the world.  

But its certainly not all doom and gloom and thumbs down for them.  Something brilliant about them is how amazing it is to be in a place where the majority of people are trying to be the best at what they do every single day.  From lowly waiters to shop assistants to fashion and media fundis and on to the top end of the career cart, everyone knows what they are doing and generally they’re doing it very well.  You definitely wont hear “ er probably” when you ask an important question about something or other which relates to the next bit of hard earned cash you’re spending.

It is also completely disarming to be in a society where trust in one another means something.  Many supermarkets have self check out where you scan your goods bag them and leave.  I also saw that many items are left near the entrance or outside the doors of the shop and people trust that you will indicate what you intend on buying and pay for it accordingly.  Theft and petty theft are almost the south African way and we accept it.  What I like here is that people don’t accept unacceptable acts.  They don’t look the other way.  And though sometimes the sentiment is misguided I can understand why Americans , annoyingly, are so proud to be American.

Columbus - downtown in the city

Workers union strike and protest in Columbus 

I returned to Pittsburgh having had a great time with Jehan; most especially it was fantastic bonding with  the man my little baby cousin grew into.  To hear his thoughts, fears and ideas and also see his talent, intelligence and maturity.  Back in Sewickley I was quickly being spoiled again with a million things that I needed for my residence in New York.  From running shoes to winter jackets to shower caddy’s and a ton of consumables, I lucked out big time J  A huge thank you to my amazing family here in the states.

On top of that, the best thing about my aunt Corrie is that she has a plan and she is a master at rolling out her action plans.  From checking for the best price of suit cases at 5 different stores in a 20 min window period to throwing in a pefectly timed quick afternoon movie between tasks and making it home to make supper, she had it covered. 

A week after arriving in Pittsburgh, I flew out heavily laden, an extra suitcase from being-spoiled and looked after, with my fears and my hopes and all the bounty of my stay, ready for the Big Apple.

I can not wait. 

And so with an ending it begins...

I arrived in Dubai in a whirlwind of contrasting emotion. Excitement and fear, feeling alone and the excitement of finding myself, missing everyone I love and seeing the girl I love again, beginning the big adventure and leaving behind the adventure that got me this far...

As always Ashik and Abby welcomed me and made me feel at home in absolutely no time. Its strange how good friends never need a restart button. Like a 'good' soap opera I guess you can always pick up the story at any point even if you've missed a couple years in between. We had a great day together as I made some new friends and reconnected with some amazing old-new ones too. Between one too many whiskeys, I tried to stave off the excitement of the impending arrival of the princess.

 When she did arrive it was dream-, like it has been since chapter one. She called. I left Ashik's, got into a cab and tried to find her hotel. When i eventually did a very crestfallen concierge who had just half an hour earlier checked in a beautiful young lady, tried to cock block me at every turn.
The shock and horror on his face as I described my girlfriend who had just checked in 'alone' was priceless and also rather irritating. "Passport sir... if you have no passport you can not stay." My passport predictably was the last thing I looked at as I left Ashiks flat, packing it safely in my document bag on the side of the bed, "No ways I'll need all this stuff"... Hmmmm.
Luckily I had my ever sharp sharpness. "Well I have my laptop and there's a scan of my passport there." He was quick to try and point out that this was very peculiar and not at all the way things were done at his fine establishment.
At this point, being 3.35am and being so so close to seeing her, my penchant for a bit of fencing had worn thin. I think I may have growled, or perhaps it was just a bit of fire in a look I gave him that made him fold. Mind you, not before telling me I had to pay an extra person surcharge for the apartment.
Eventually, his dreams of spading the chick in 316 lying broken on the floor, I was on my way to the room being led by yet another sad looking Indian bellhop. Dubai's labour force is almost completely Asian. If you're sweeping streets, driving cabs, working in some sort of lowly job here, you're either Phillipino or Indian.


The door opened and as its happened every time before, we were lost in being found. We each tested the ground to see if any of the rules had changed. She brandished the words I love you like a sword to my usually emotionally higher ground stance. At last she was completely comfortable with the fact that we do in fact love each other. This threw me somewhat. I mean, where was my power if not to lead emotionally. Anywho, it was a wonderful time. We talked laughed played and pretended; here in our little bubble away from reality. But often the question of what would happen next reared its ugly head. I think as we reached our most comfortable point in our romance so far, we both also realised quite how much we dont want to do the long distance thing intenet relationship over the next few months.
Relationships need contact and togetherness and direction. All of which we don't have. We dont know if we have any chance for a future, concerning her family and concerning my plans. I mean, God, I can't even get a visa into her world so any chance we now have requires her to leave hers and join mine. A predicament and choice I dont embrace lightly. So as we tip toed around the question we often let it sleep and continued to pretend and dream and love. Its much easier to ignore the monster at your doorstep than to invite him in for supper. I mean, what if its you he wants to eat for supper?


On Friday we celebrated our first Valentines Day together. It was the 17th of February but hey. It was my first Valentines in many years and her first proper Valentines I think ever. It was unplanned and yet perfect. Everything fell into place. We went for supper at the "Thai Kitchen" at the Park Hyatt which is along the Creek which is the waterway that runs between old Dubai and new Dubai.
Then we tried to find a pub called the Irish village only to find out it was closed. Fate however does have wonderful sense of humour and so the only option open to us was a Lebanese club called Sapphire. She spent the night translating the old school ghetto Lebanese songs while I tried to convince her that I could in fact dance to this music. She didn't believe me. Nor did she give me the chance to prove myself. Hhmmmm.... What does it all mean?
I managed to find roses at a garage at 3am on our way home. And I think that lil ninja move did just enough to make me King of the Valentines!

And then before we knew it, it was almost time to say goodbye. Almost time to let go again. And definitely time to finish the answer to the ugly question. Perhaps we knew it from the start. I dont know but I think I did. It felt like goodbye for some reason even though every other time it was goodbye too. We decided we couldnt continue living our lives attached to our phones and through our computer screens. We accepted that the 7 hour time difference would definitely make things much more difficult. It was easier in SA to stay connected. We lived the same second. But now in New York, the added frustration of a severe time difference would certainly help end our constant online interaction. So, we said our goodbyes and decided to let go... To see where this new path would take each of us. We reaffirmed our love but accepted that we would have to let the best thing we've known go to the wind and pray it comes around again or takes us with it.


I drove with her to the airport in the cab and as is Dubai, loving goodbyes are forbidden. And so with the smallest peck on the lips, we smiled goodbye and mouthed I love you...


I have a few more days here before I head off for New York. And she's on her flight home. She's free. Free to mourn, free to move on, released... As am I, I guess. What comes next I dont know... But i do know that whatever it is, its gonna have to live next to the memory of the best I ever had, for a long long time to come.